The Human Beans, Episode 2, “No Dumping”

When Lulu was only four days-old, Grandma Bean and I loaded ourselves up in the van and began the long drive across country to Los Angeles. I sat in the back seat with Lulu and Grandma Bean drove. Everything went well until we were only 1 mile from the Grand Canyon.

I spoke up, “Something’s wrong with Lulu.  She’s making a face.”

Grandma Bean turned in the seat to face me.

Gma face_edited-1

“Well, her eyes are squished shut and her mouth looks like a butthole.”

lulu face

“She’s pooping,” Grandma Bean said. “That’s a poop face.”

Even though Lulu had been on this planet for four days, she hadn’t pooped yet.  This was her first poop and she wasn’t liking it.

“It’s stinky,” I said.  “It’s real stinky.”

Grandma Bean laughed.  “A little baby poop isn’t going to kill you.”

Famous last words.  Because things got bad and fast.

car 1

car 2

 car 3

Ten minutes later:

GC pooping

Stay tuned for the next installment of The Human Beans, Episode 3, “Old Faithful.”

written and illustrated by Layce Gardner

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CELEBRATING SEVEN MONTHS ON AMAZON BEST SELLER LIST!

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The Human Beans, Episode 1, “Meet the Beans”

My name is Hazel. I am a human bean. I am also a lezbean.

Hazel Bean

I have a daughter named Lulu. She is also a human bean.

Lulu Bean

 

When Lulu was five she asked me, “Mom, how did I get to be a human bean? Did I grow in your tummy?”

“No,” I said.

“Did a stork bring me?”

“No.”

“Did Santa Claus bring me?”

“No,” I answered.

“Then how did I grow?”

“Well… it’s a long story. Are you sure you want to hear it?”

“Yes!”

“A long, long time ago before you were a human bean, I lived in a magical city. It was called The City of Angels.

Hollywood

And in this city there was a dream factory. I worked at the factory putting dreams on celluloid so everybody in the world could see them.

movie camera

I lived in the city with Tini. Tini Bean wasn’t her real name. She loved martinis more than anything, that’s why I call her Tini. She also loved a lot of other women, but I didn’t know that then.

Tini Bean

Tini wanted us to have a baby together. So I got a catalog of daddies and looked through it. I wanted to pick out the perfect daddy for my baby.

sperm donors

I finally found a good one. We had a lot in common. We both loved donuts.

donut

So one day I went to pick daddy up from the bank. He was much shorter than I imagined.

daddy

I took him out for lunch.

donut dinner

Then I buckled him into the passenger seat of my car and drove home. There was a lot of traffic so I used the car pool lane. The police man didn’t think daddy was a real person so I got a ticket for abusing the car pool lane.

copper

That night I took daddy out of the can. He was so little. And so cold.

daddy essence

tini's olive

martini

tini slurp

That was the end of daddy.”

“Does that mean you adopted me?” Lulu asked.

“Nope. I found you in a beanfield. Then me and Grandma Bean drove you all the way cross country to live in the City of Angels.”

Stay tuned for the next installment of The Human Beans, Episode 2, “No Dumping.” Written and illustrated by Layce Gardner.

 Making the world a happier place, one book at a time.

Available to buy or borrow at Amazon!

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I love Jamie Lee Curtis

 

I’m in love with Jamie Lee Curtis. Everybody who knows me knows about my Jamie Lee fantasy. On my wedding day I told Saxon that I would stay with her forever. Unless Jamie Lee asks me out. Then all bets are off.

jamie

Yes, I know Jamie Lee is married. To a man. To Christopher Guest who is a freakin’ comedic genius and who I admire very much. Still… If Jamie Lee would have me, I would gladly run Mr. Guest over with a Peterbilt truck and take his wife home with me.

Jamie Lee and I have crossed paths before. One sunny day I was walking with friends in Santa Monica on Montana Avenue when I saw her. Montana Avenue is a high-end, frou-frou type of place. A place where this cowgirl felt waaaay out of her league. However, there I was walking down the street when I spied Jamie Lee standing at a bus bench hawking jewelry. I stopped and listened to her as she explained to passer-bys that the jewelry had been made by her daughter. It was a collection of brooches, necklaces and bracelets all made from sea glass that her daughter had found on the beach.

The sea glass jewelry was spread out over a bus bench. I picked up a brooch. Not because I liked it so much but because I wanted to find a reason to stand in the orbit of Jamie Lee. She saw me and smiled. I stupidly said, “I saw you on the Golden Globes. You were great. Congratulations.” (She had just won for the movie True Lies a few days before.)

“Thanks,” she said. “Do you like that brooch?”

I nodded.

“Let me pin it on you,” she said.

“Okay,” I said.

She stepped in close to me and pinned it on my shirt. She’s only a couple inches shorter than me and I found myself inhaling her smell and getting rather weak in the knees.

“There,” she said. “It looks great on you.”

“I’ll buy it on one condition,” I said.

“What’s that?”

“Will you kiss it? I want to be able to tell everybody your lips were on it.”

She laughed then said, “I’ll do better than that.” She leaned in and licked the brooch. Which was pinned on my shirt right above my left boob. I damn near fainted.

The brooch only cost five dollars, but I gave her ten. I think I would have gladly given her anything at that point.

Fast forward two years: I had bought my first house in Los Angeles. It was on top of Mt. Washington, located between downtown L.A. and Pasadena. I was in the market to buy an electric gate for my driveway when I ran across a deal I couldn’t pass up. The man at the electric gate store told me he had a gate for half-price. He had made it special for Jamie Lee Curtis, but she had changed her mind at the last minute and gone with another design. I bought and paid for the gate that very day.

There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t open that gate and think of Jamie Lee. (Hey, this would make a good metaphor, don’t you think?)

So you can see why I still harbor the small hope that Jamie Lee’s path will once again cross mine. Our destinies are interlinked.

I will always love Jamie Lee. I don’t care if she has intestinal problems and has to eat Activa yogurt. I don’t care if she sells more books than I do. I don’t care if she sleeps with her husband. I still am head over heels in love with Jamie Lee.

She can lick my brooch any day.

Saxon understands.

Mother Knows Best

My mother is quite a brilliant woman. (Mom, if you’re reading this I want another chocolate pie.)

pie

My mother majored in business in college and even owned her own business while I was growing up. So when it comes to making business decisions, she is my go-to for advice.
She once told me this piece of wisdom, “The only thing worse than owing people money is when they owe you money.” As an ex-landlord, I can attest to the truth of this.
Another time my Ebay store was doing badly. It was almost at the point where I was working for free. (I sold vintage and antique postcards.) My mother’s advice was to raise the price on everything in the store. That seemed back-asswards to me.
I asked her, “Why would somebody pay ten bucks for a postcard when they won’t pay two bucks for it now?”
She answered, “Because people don’t want something unless it’s expensive.”

mother said

Turns out she was right. I raised all my prices and two days later I couldn’t keep up with my orders.

Then there’s the story of my couch. I was living in L.A. and had bought a new couch. Which meant I had to get rid of my old couch. But in L.A. it costs something like $100 to take a couch to the dump. So, I carried the couch out to the road and put a “Free” sign on it.
The couch sat in front of my house for three days looking sad and forlorn.
Remembering my mother’s advice, one night I changed the sign to read: “For Sale – $500.” The next morning the couch was gone. Somebody had ‘stolen’ it!

knows best

I guess the moral of this story is – Don’t undervalue your work.
Or maybe it’s – Listen to your mother.
Or it could be – I write for pie.

Making the world a happier place, one book at a time!

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Available in ebook and print here!

Crazy Little Thing Audio Snippet

Hi! I recorded a ten minute snippet of me reading from the book Crazy Little Thing that I wrote with my wife, Saxon Bennett.

I hope you enjoy it!

More Than a Kiss Audio Snippet

Hey, y’all! Just wanted to announce that I’m doing some readings of our books over on Soundcloud. the first reading I’ve done is from “More Than a Kiss.”  (12 minutes!)  It won’t be long before I’ll be reading from our next book “Crazy Little Thing” and my YA novel “Once Upon a Time Travel.”

My wife and writing partner, Saxon Bennett, makes a guest audio appearance also!

If you join up with Soundcloud (it’s free), give my follow button a push and you won’t miss out on any of my upcoming audios. Also, add the reading to your playlist so you can give it a listen any time you want!

Making the world a happier place, one book at a time!

Owl Jolson – I Love to Singa

Remember when you were a kid and you’d wake up on Saturday and Sunday mornings, run to the TV and blissfully watch hours of cartoons before your parents woke up?

In memory of the child in all of us, here’s my daughter’s favorite cartoon: Owl Jolson “I Love to Singa.”  (Yeah, she’s old school.)


Watch, enjoy, start your morning with a laugh!

Doy you have a favorite cartoon or funny video? Tell me about it in the comments section below.  Maybe I can find it and share it next Sunday!

Making the world a happier place, one book at a time!

Click here to buy or borrow!

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