I Didn’t Get The Memo

I guess I didn’t get the following memo:

 

Dear Women of America,

We are sending this memo to every woman in America as a public service announcement. We feel that it is great news for the female of the species and we know that you will rejoice as well. What is this spectacular news you ask?

The Fashion Industry has made it official:

Leggings are pants

That’s right! The Fashion Industry has declared that leggings—formerly known as ‘tights’ and classified as undergarments—are now considered to be outerwear. Specifically, pants.

Here are the benefits of wearing leggings as pants:

  • Your cute boots will no longer be covered up by pants
  • Unlike pants, leggings do not rumple under your boots and create unsightly bulges
  • Dark leggings have a slimming effect
  • Leggings with crazy patterns disorient onlookers, making it unable for them to see your saddle bags
  • Leggings fit snugly and “iron” out your fat lumps and cellulite
  • Leggings are much cheaper to buy than pants
  • You don’t have to wear underwear—think of all the money you’ll save on laundry detergent!

So, join thousands of other women—young and old, fat and slim—as they enjoy the benefits of a freedom-from-pants lifestyle!

Stay tuned for our next memo when we reveal that bras are really shirts!

Sincerely,

The Fashion Industry

Paid for by The Leggings Corporation

 

Making the world a happier place, one book at a time!

Hot off the press! And, I do mean HOT.

Skin: a sweet & steamy short story

skin cover

Buy or borrow for free!

 

The Human Beans, Episode 7, “BFFs”

Before Lulu, I had another baby. His name was Stanley. He was my four-legged furbaby.

Stanley

Tini didn’t like Stanley. The feeling was mutual.

Grrrr

I was worried about introducing Lulu to Stanley. Would my two babies like each other?

Turns out, I shouldn’t have worried.

It was love at first lick.

lick

From that moment on they were inseparable.

They played together.

play

They ate together.

ate

They slept together.

sleep

They even did their business together.

pooping

They were Best Friends Forever.

sunset

Stay tuned for the the next installment of The Human Beans, Episode 8, “Scrabble.”

written and illustrated by Layce Gardner

Making the world a happier place, one book at a time!

CLT new cover

Haven’t read it yet? What’re you waiting for?

Buy or  borrow it here!

The Magic 8-ball

Because I am a mother I know all the answers to all the questions in the world. At least my daughter thinks I do. She asks me approximately one million questions a day. She asked me this question ten seconds ago:

Emma: What is the texture of the igneous rock that forms around magma?

Me: Hard.

Emma: Mom… puhleez.

Or this question from last night:

Emma: Why do kangaroos have three vaginas?

Me: (stunned silence)

I have gotten so tired of answering questions that I decided to use something that would answer for me—the magic 8-ball.

index

Remember those from when you were a kid? You’d go to a slumber party and Janet would ask, “Am I going to marry Jimmy?”

Janet would shake the magic 8-ball and its answer would float to the top. Inside that little circle were the words: It is certain.

I went online and bought a magic 8-ball. Now I was armed for any question.

***

Emma woke up. Walked into the kitchen, bleary-eyed. She asked, “Are you fixing me breakfast?”

I shook the magic eight ball. Looked into the little window. I answered, Don’t count on it.

***

Emma came home from school. Started her homework. She held a paper under my nose and said, “Mom, is this punctuation correct?”

I shook. I looked. I answered, My reply is no.

***

Emma’s room was a friggin’ mess. I yelled at her, “Clean it up! Now!”

She glared at me and crossed her arms over her chest. “What if I don’t?”

I shook. I looked. I answered, Reply hazy.

***

Emma asked me, “Mom, can I go skating Friday night?”

I shook. I looked. I answered, Concentrate and ask again.

concentrate

***

Saxon and I were cuddling on the couch. She asked, “You know how much I love you?”

I answered, Signs point to yes.

“What’s that mean?” she asked.

“I mean… My reply is no?

“Huh?”

“I mean… Outlook good?”

“Why do you sound so weird?” Saxon asked.

I smiled and said, My sources say no.

“You know what you sound like?”

Better not tell you now.”

“A magic 8-ball,” Saxon said. “That’s what you sound like.”

Hmmm, Imagine that…

Making the world a happier place, one book at a time!

Family washing

Magic 8-ball says Go buy this book!

(You can also borrow it for FREE!)

 

The Human Beans, Episode 6, “Music Tames The Savage Beast”

The main difference between adult human beans and baby human beans is that adult beans sleep at night.

Baby beans do not sleep at night.

Lulu wah!

Baby beans are also louder. 

Much, much louder.

I couldn’t sleep because Lulu screamed all night.

dark waa!

Tini, however, slept like a Girlfriend in a Coma. (FYI: That’s an obscure 80′s music reference)

I don’t know if Tini slept so well because of the pitcher of martinis she ingested at bedtime or because of the sleeping mask and ear muffs.

sleepy tini

I tried everything to get Lulu to go to sleep.

I walked Lulu.

walk

I rocked Lulu.

rock

I even gave her a bottle. 

bottle

Then I remembered that music tamed the savage beast.  So I put on a classical cassette tape.

boom box

The music worked!

music

I fell asleep.

Stay tuned for the next installment of The Human Beans, Episode 7.  Written and illustrated by  Layce Gardner.

Making the world a happier place, one book at a time!

CLT new cover

Buy it, borrow it, laugh your ass off!

Rebuttal

No matter what Saxon says about me—in her blog here—consider the source. After all, this is a woman who wanted to buy this child’s playhouse and put it in our backyard as a writing studio.

Playhouse

(The roof’s tallest peak comes up to my chin.)

Michael Myers, The Real Horror Story

You’ve heard the old saw “Truth is stranger than fiction?” Actually, being a landlord is stranger than fiction. You meet the weirdest people in the world when you start renting apartments. (Such as the blind nudist which I blogged about here.)

I once rented an apartment to a guy named Michael Myers. I know, I know, that should’ve been my red flag right there.

myers

 

He checked out fine and he looked like a decent enough guy. I thought he would make an excellent tenant.

Famous last words.

MM had only been in apartment 4 for two days when I got a phone call from him. The conversation went like this:

Layce: Hello?

MM: This is Michael in Number Four.

Layce: Hi Michael. What’s up?

MM: I know what you’re doing.

Layce: Excuse me?

MM: I know you broke into my apartment and stole my stuff.

Layce: Huh? What’re you talking about? Did somebody break into your apartment? Did they break the door? Did you call the police?

MM: The door is fine. So are the windows. That’s how I know it’s you who did it.

Layce: What?

MM: You’re the only other person with a key.

Layce: Michael, I didn’t come into your apartment. Were things stolen?

MM: You took my feather. Don’t deny it.

Layce: Feather?

MM: My lucky eagle feather. It was right by my bed on the nightstand and you took it. I’m calling the cops. I’m telling them you did it. I’m calling the better business bureau. I’m calling the FBI. No, wait, they already know. They bugged my ceiling fan this morning.

Layce: Michael, I need to ask you something.

MM: What?

Layce: Are you taking some kind of medication that maybe you forgot to take?

MM: How did you know that? Do you have this place bugged, too?

Layce: Michael, you need to –

MM: Nevermind, I found it.

Layce: Found it?

MM: My feather. It was on the floor under the bed.

eagle-feather

He hung up. Two days later the phone rang.

Layce: Hello?

MM: Quit watching me.

Layce: Who is this?

MM: Like you don’t know. I know you’re watching me while I’m on the toilet.

Layce: Is this Michael? Believe me, I’m not watching you on the toilet.

MM: And in the shower. You put all those cameras in the outlets. But I fooled you. I covered up all the outlets with electrical tape so you can’t watch me anymore.

Layce: Michael, did you take your pills yet?

He hung up.

I don’t hear from Michael again. But when the first of the month rolls around he doesn’t pay rent. I drive to his apartment and find the door wide open. I go inside. He’s vacated the place. He really did cover all the outlets with tape. He also crapped in every corner of the apartment. And in the tub. He ripped the doors off the fridge and the oven. And tore a huge hole in a wall. It cost me over a thousand dollars to repair all the damage.

You would think that would be the end of the story, but it’s not. A year later I was driving down the street when I saw him mowing the lawn at another rental house. I slowed my car and honked. He looked up. I pointed to my eyes and then him and then my eyes and then him—in that “I’m watching you gesture”— and drove on.

I drove around the block and came back by him, honking and doing the same thing again. His mouth fell open and he ran inside the house. I imagined him locking the front door and covering all the outlets with tape.

Now every time I drive by that rent house, I honk the horn. I don’t know if he’s still lives there, but it sure makes me feel better.

 

Making the world a happier place, one book at a time!

CLT new cover

Available at Amazon – to buy or to borrow!

The Human Beans, Episode 5, “Housebroken”

puppy!_edited-1

lulu face

Tini poop

poopsy

Stay tuned for the next installment of The Human Beans, Episode 6, “Music Tames the Savage Beast.” 

Written and illustrated by Layce Gardner

Making the world a happier place, one book at a time!

CLT new cover