Gigolo Girl

Gigolo Girl is here!

Our newest romantic comedy has hit the virtual bookshelves. If you like laughter and romance all wrapped up in one feel-good book, click here.

Hey, it’s only $4.99. For the price of one of those fancy schmancy lattes you can help send our kid to college! You can’t beat that with a stick.

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WARNING: This book contains comic situations, lesbian sex and comic lesbian sex.

When Mildred’s girlfriend runs off with all the egg money, Mildred decides she has had enough of small town living. She leaves her chicken ranch behind and heads for the big city of Bon Chance, Texas. Once there, she gets a job as a gigolo girl—and pleasing sex-starved lesbians is the name of the game. She meets another gigolo girl, Desiree Hart, and falls madly in love. But it’s against company policy to date a fellow employee. Can Mildred and Desiree find true love with each other or will sex get in the way?

Making the world a happier place—one book at a time

The Haunted Ring

Listen closely and ye shall hear the tale of the haunted ring.

The haunted ring is a beautiful ruby ring that has been in my family for generations. It became a part of my family back during the Depression in the 1930s. My grandpa was working at a gas station in Big Cabin, Oklahoma. Money was tight, but not as bad as the western part that came to be known as the Dust Bowl.

One day while he was pumping gas, a car pulled up. A man got out and said he was trying to get to Texas to be with his wife and children. But, (isn’t there always a but in these kind of stories?) his car was out of gas and he didn’t have any money. He did have a ruby ring, though. He told my Grandpa (who wasn’t my Grandpa yet. He was a young man, not even a father) that he would sell him the ruby ring for $400.

My Grandpa got the price down to $150 and a tank of gas.

I’d like to be able to tell you that the ring had magical powers. But it didn’t. My Grandpa wore it sometimes as a pinky ring. But mostly it stayed in a saucer on top of his dresser.

After my Grandpa passed, the ring became my mother’s. She wore it every day. And here’s where the haunted part comes in.

I had just moved from Los Angeles to Tahlequah, Oklahoma. One day while my mom was driving me from her house in Miami, Ok., to my new house in Tahlequah, I remarked on her ruby ring. I told her that someday I wanted to wear the ring. She gave me the ring and I tried it on. (this part is important – you’ll need to remember this later.)

We got to my house and prepared for bed. Mom was staying in my guest room. She took off her ruby ring and put it on the tall dresser like she did every night at her own house.

That was when I told Mom that my new house was haunted. But not to worry because it was only my Grandparents who were doing the haunting. I only halfway believed this. I had heard my Grandmother calling my name a few times. A couple of times, I had seen what I thought was a ghost out of the corner of my eye. And I ‘felt’ a presence in the guest room.

The night passed without incident and the next morning my mother said, “Very funny, Layce. Now give me back the ruby ring.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Daddy’s ruby ring is gone. I put it on the dresser before I went to sleep and now it’s gone,” she said.

“I didn’t take it.”

We thought maybe two year-old Emma had taken it. But she wasn’t tall enough to reach the top of that dresser.

We scoured the house, top to bottom. No ruby ring.

Later, my mother called my father. He was still at their house in Miami, Ok. She told him about the missing ruby ring.

“It’s here,” he replied.

My mother couldn’t believe it. “It’s there?”

“I’m looking right at it,” he said. “It’s on the kitchen counter.”

When she hung up, she was pale and shaking. And remember that part I told you was important? The part of the story where we were in the car, driving, and I tried on the ruby ring? That’s right. I know for a fact that the ring came to Tahlequah with us because I not only saw the ring, but I tried it on. This isn’t a story about a woman who was a little crazy and left her ring back home while she went on a trip. This is a story about how a ruby ring transported itself from one location to another location ninety miles away.

My mother stayed in my house another couple of nights. And she told me that her mother’s ghost appeared to her each night, sitting on the bed next to her. She said it wasn’t scary; it was comforting.

And whatever happened to the haunted ruby ring?

I’m now wearing it.


 

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Available for FREE with Kindle Unlimited!

The LezBeans, Episode 18, “The Terrible Peaches Incident”

I love peaches. So when I saw cans of peaches on sale at the grocery store, I bought half a case.

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I immediately searched the internet for the perfect peach pie recipe. Once I found it, I armed myself with an apron and went to the kitchen to get my Betty Crocker on.

There was only one problem. When I looked in the pantry —

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the peaches were missing.  Where could they be?

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Then I heard a noise. It sounded like a lovesick cow or like a goat giving birth. I followed the noise to Lulu’s bedroom where I found her on the floor. Peach cans were scattered around. She was groaning. She had overdosed on peaches.

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(She has never eaten another peach.)


Making the world a happier place—one book at a time!

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Coming July 1st!

How A Playboy Bunny Changed My Life

The year was 1990 and I lived in Woodland Hills, California. That’s not too far from Los Angeles—unless you’re commuting from downtown during rush hour and then it’s a grueling two hours away. I worked as an editorial assistant (glorified secretary) for a small newspaper. The job paid me in peanuts, but was just enough to keep me alive while I worked on my writing career. I had written three plays and five screenplays and none of them had seen the light of day.

I was an unproduced playwright and just another one of the thousands of people in Los Angeles who had written a screenplay. But, I was thirty years-old and still had hope.

Living across the street from me and my girlfriend were two other women. I used to peer out my window at them like I was Gladys Kravitz. They were both blond and beautiful. They drove a Jaguar and a Porsche. They dressed to the nines. One was butch and the other was high femme. They were so beautiful they scared me.

One day the femme girl walked across the street and knocked on my door. When I answered the door she said, “Hi! I’m Lynn. Are you a lesbian? Because my girlfriend and I both think you are. By the way, I was Playboy’s January centerfold. My girlfriend is Mel. She’s a lawyer. Want to come over and have dinner? I’m making pasta.”

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Well, that sealed the deal. My girlfriend and I became good friends with the Playboy Bunny and the lawyer across the street. We shared dinner and movies with them three to four times a week.

About six months into our friendship, I was downsized from my job. I didn’t have any savings. I was broke and scared. I drove home with my measely little severance check and as I got out of my car, I saw that Lynn’s Jag was in her driveway. So I walked across the street and knocked on the door. As soon as I saw Lynn’s smiling face, I burst into tears. As she mixed me a stiff drink, I told her how I had just lost my job.

Lynn jumped up and down and clapped her hands, squealing, “Yay! You don’t have a job anymore! That’s the best news ever!”

“How can that be good news?” I sputtered. “I don’t have any money. I’m going to have to load up my car and drive back home to Oklahoma. My dreams of being a writer have been dashed!” (okay, so maybe I didn’t say ‘dashed,’ but you get the drift.)

Lynn sat down beside me. She gently took my hand, clasped it against her enormous bosom and said earnestly, “You’ve been so busy working for the man, you haven’t given yourself a chance. Here’s what you’re going to do… You’ll apply for unemployment tomorrow morning. Then you will write and write and write and send out your screenplays to all the agents in town. I guarantee you that an agent will sign you and you’ll be earning money as a writer within three months. Now drink up. Let’s celebrate that you got fired!”

I don’t know if it was her wonderful words, or the drink, or her boobs, but I was feeling better. I went home and did exactly as the Bunny ordered.

As it turned out, she was wrong. I didn’t get an agent or become a successful screenwriter in three months. It only took one month.

Lynn may have made a living from her gorgeous body and I know a lot of people think Playboy Centerfolds aren’t very smart, but there was one thing that Playboy Bunny knew that I didn’t. And that is…you have to be fully committed and believe in yourself to make your dreams come true.

My friend the Playboy centerfold

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* names have been changed


Making the world a happier place—one book at a time!

Now FREE on kindle unlimited!

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Available to purchase for $4.99 or borrow for free!

Gilda and Me

My first love was Gilda Radner. I was fifteen when I fell for her and I fell hard. I never missed an SNL. Ever. I memorized all her skits word for word, verbatim.

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Gilda was everything I wanted to be and everything I knew I never would be. She was skinny with that big mouth, soulful eyes and hungry look. She had all that wild-ass hair that curled every which way. She was funny, sure, but she had talent that went beyond that. She was original, one-of-a-kind, deliriously funny. She was Roseanna Roseannadanna, Lisa Lupner, Judy Miller, Baba Wawa and Emily Litella all rolled into one.

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I even went to New York to see her. She lived in that one building that John Lennon got shot outside of and where Rosemary’s Baby was filmed. I didn’t stalk her there, but I did stay at the Edison Hotel which was directly across the street from where she was starring in The Lunch Hour, the Broadway play she was doing with Sam Waterston.

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And one day, miracle of miracles, I got to meet my beloved Gilda. I hung out the second story window of my dingy hotel room, cupped my hands around my mouth like a megaphone and shouted, “Gilda! I love you!”

She had just come out of the theatre and was walking toward her baby blue limo. She heard me yell and looked up toward my window. I waved at her and shouted again, “I love you, Gilda!”

She threw back her head, laughed and waved back at me. “I love you, too!” she said.

I watched her ride away in that baby blue limo and knew there wasn’t another woman who would ever touch me like she did.

Several years later she was dead.

I cried and cried. I cussed Gene Wilder. Had it been me she had married instead of him, she would still be alive. Somehow, some way, I would have shielded her from the ugly crazed killer called Cancer.

Now when I think of Gilda, when I see a picture of her, when I see a re-run of SNL, when I see somebody mimic Roseanne Roseannadanna, my heart is filled with a more mellow love. It tastes sweeter, somehow, since her death. I wonder if our paths would have crossed again had she lived longer.

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Oh, I know she probably wouldn’t have reciprocated my romantic, idealized love. But maybe she would’ve been my friend. Maybe we would have sipped lattes and exchanged jokes. She could have bitched about the agony of staying skinny and I would’ve bitched about quitting smoking and we would’ve laughed.

We would’ve laughed a lot.

Gilda was my first love. And there’s nothing ever quite as sweet as an unrequited love, is there?


 

A sweet & steamy short story

Available at Amazon for only $1.49

Or FREE for Unlimited

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The LezBeans, Episode 17, “Tini’s Accident”

While I went to work, Tini stayed home with Lulu.  Lulu was in her room with the door closed. Tini heard a strange noise.

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The noises grew in strangeness and intensity, so Tini walked up to the door and listened closer.

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Unable to figure out what they were, Tini pressed her ear against the door in the hopes of deciphering the strange noises.

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Suddenly, Lulu appeared, holding the door’s hinge pins in her hand. She said, “Hey! Did you know that these little bolts where the only thing keeping the door from falling over?”


Making the world a happier place—one book at a time!

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Get your laugh on! Available for only $4.99 at Amazon, Smashwords, Barnes & Noble and Kobo!

The Ins and Outs of Kindle Unlimited

By Layce Gardner & Saxon Bennett

As readers we adore Amazon’s Kindle Unlimited program. We each read at least 100 books a year. Our daughter reads, too. (Mostly graphic novels.) We each have our very own kindle. (I want to be buried with mine.) So it only makes sense financially, as a family, to invest in Amazon’s Kindle Unlimited program.

For those not in the know, here’s how Kindle Unlimited (KU) works: You pay a $10 per month subscription fee and you can then borrow an ‘unlimited’ number of books. You can check out up to ten books at a time. When you finish reading a book, you return it. Just like at a brick and mortar library.

It’s a pretty good deal for voracious readers. We pay $120 a year and we read 200 plus books a year. (We read both mainstream and Lesfic novels.) We have found some wonderful new authors that we wouldn’t have gambled our money on otherwise.

Some readers have expressed to us that they don’t do KU because the author doesn’t get paid for the borrows. That is wrong. The author does get paid. They just don’t get paid as much as for a sale. (Want to know how much an Indie author earns? Click here for our blog “How Much Money Does a Novelist Make?”) For the past three months, Amazon has paid out $1.39 per borrow. That’s not a lot. However, if you go to the library and check out a book, the author gets nothing. If you buy a book from a used bookstore, the author gets nothing. If you loan your book to a friend, the author gets nothing. We’re not saying it’s wrong to go to the library or used bookstore or borrow from a friend. We do the same things. I’m just putting it all in perspective for you.

Now, how do authors feel about Kindle Unlimited? This is where things get a little messier. KU has both pros and cons for the writer.

PROS

More of your books can get read by more people because some people who read your books on KU may become a part of your fan base and then read all your books.

If you publish a short story and charge 99 cents to buy, you only make 35 cents per sale. KU has been paying $1.39 per borrow for the past three months. That is considerably more than 35 cents.

Each borrow is given the same weight as a sale by Amazon and borrows help to put your book up higher on the Amazon charts. And the higher you are on the charts, the more you sell.

CONS

It could be that people are now borrowing your book instead of buying it – KU could be actually cannibalizing your sales.

If sales are being cannibalized, the $1.39 per borrow is significantly less than what you make per sale on a full-length book.

You cannot sell your books anywhere else if you enroll your book in KU. You have to grant Amazon exclusive rights for three months. That’s like putting all your eggs in one basket—a scary proposition.

We have been testing the waters by both having our works on KU and not having them on KU. We have crunched the numbers, done some soul searching, asked questions on Facebook and come up with this conclusion: KU does not significantly cannibalize sales. In fact, our sales have stayed the same or slightly increased when our book is enrolled in the KU program.

Our book Crazy Little Thing was in Amazon’s top ten immediately after publishing. It hung around there for a while then when it started to drop into the fifty range, we put it on KU. It immediately shot back up the charts and stayed for another two months on the strength of its borrows. And because those borrows pushed it up the charts, it then sold more.

Last month we took all our full-length novels off KU and put them on Smashwords, BN and Kobo. (We kept our short stories on KU.) What we found out is that we make more on borrows with KU than we make selling our books anywhere off Amazon. In fact we make hundreds more on Amazon borrows than on selling the books anywhere else. (We have written sixteen books between us that were traditionally published. Those are not ever on KU.)

We are still fine tuning the best possible way to do things, but here is what we have decided for now: We are going to sell our books on Amazon, BN, Kobo and Smashwords for the first few months of a book’s life. Once sales begin to taper off we will de-list our books on those other platforms and publish exclusively on Amazon, enrolling it in KU. Then borrows will breathe new life into the book and give it new legs.

Each writer has to decide for herself what is the best way to maximize her profit, but I hope this helps to shed a little light on what has become a very misunderstood and controversial subject.

As of this writing most of our works are on KU and ready for you to borrow! Our latest book Kiss & Tell is for sale at Amazon, Smashwords, Kobo and Barnes & Noble and will be on KU the first of May.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask them in the comments below and we’ll try to answer as quickly and honestly as possible.

Making the world a happier place—one book at a time!