Making lesbians happy – one book at a time

Conversation with a Pirate

(Layce puts her cell phone on speaker phone and dials the number.  She sets the phone on her desk and listens to it ring.  After five rings, Yamila answers.)

Yamila:  (sleepy voice) Hola.

Layce:  Hi! I hope I didn’t wake you.

(Long pause)

Yamila:  Hola?

Layce:  Can you speak English?

Yamila:  Ingles?

Layce:  En..glish…  You know American?  Speak English?  I know you can read English.

Yamila:  I speak English, si.  Who are you?

Layce:  My name’s Layce Gardner.  I’m calling you from the United States.  Oh, no!  I’m sorry, I forgot about the time difference!  What time is it in Argentina?

Yamila:  Two.

Layce:  Oh, that’s not so bad.

Yamila:  Two in night time.  Who is this?

Layce:  (enunciating slowly) Layce Gardner .  I wrote the book Tats. 

Yamila:  Tats?

Layce. Si, si.  I just called to tell you thank you.

Yamila:  Thank you?

Layce:  Si.  I wanted to thank you for buying my daughter’s braces.

Yamila:  Braces?

Layce:  For her teeth.  Not her legs.

Yamila:  Teeth?

Layce:  Are we having a language barrier problem here?

Yamila:  No.  Yes.  I no understand.

Layce:  Let me explain.  You stole my book —

Yamila:  — I no steal book.  No steal.

Layce:  Ummmm…. Let’s cut through the bullshit, ok?  You stole it.  You may have bought it first, but then you uploaded it to a website and told all your friends they could have it for free. So they downloaded it for free and read it and all the money I could have made was gone, kaput, vamoose.

Yamila:  This not stealing.  It sharing.

Layce:  Okay, whatever, I didn’t call you to argue semantics.  I called to tell you thank you for sharing your credit card with me.

Yamila:  Que?

Layce:  Well, when you shared my book, I figured I lost A LOT of income.  And I have a daughter who needs braces ’cause her teeth are jacked up and I couldn’t afford it without that income.  So, I contacted a friend, who knows this guy who… well, anyway, I got your credit card number and I shared it with a bunch of other authors and I paid for my daughter’s braces, so I just wanted to say thank you.

Yamila:  You stole my credit card?

Layce:  No, silly, I shared it.  There’s a big difference.  By the way, you may be getting some more phone calls from other authors.  They want to thank you, too.

Y:  $^PJ&N@U)R!$%^$)P+KMO!!!!

Me:  I’m sorry, no habla espanol.  Sweet dreams!

(Layce hangs up.  Giggles.)

Comments on: "Conversation with a Pirate" (9)

  1. LMAO! I love it!

  2. I hope that really truly happened!

  3. Jordan Redhawk said:

    LOL! You are EVIL! I love it!

  4. LMAO! that is the best story!!

  5. Miriam Cano said:

    Amaizing i love it. Un poco de su propia medicina. Para que aprendan.

  6. oh boy….do i ever love this. and i actually need some new tires right now if you wanna pass that card my way. thanks, hon. xox

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