You know how they say truth is stranger than fiction? True dat. My life has taken a turn for the strange(er). The events of the past couple of weeks I could never make-up in a million years. And if I were to make them up and put them in a book, nobody would believe it.
Here are the things that happened in just a two week period: my motorcycle broke down. My exercise bike went kerplunk. A piece of siding fell off my house (from 40 feet up!). My washing machine decided it was tired of all that spinning. And my hot water heater rusted out. And this is all just at my house. I own some rental properties and here’s the low-down on those: Got a roof leak in an apartment. The D.E.Q. (Department of Environmental Quality) cited me for a leaky septic tank and gave me 10 days to fix it. A tenant moved in the middle of the night and left all his crap behind – plus he left behind a broken air conditioner, a broken toilet, a broken heater, 3 cabinet doors are missing, and there’s a ginormous hole in the wall. (Can anybody guess why he put black electrical tape over all the outlets?) Another tenant doesn’t feel the need to pay rent. He actually told me he’d work off the rent by changing the wax ring in the toilet. And at 8 a.m. one morning, a woman appeared on my doorstep. She’s the girlfriend of another tenant of mine. She informed me that at 5:30 a.m. that morning the F.B.I. swooped into Tahlequah in a helicopter, broke through my rental’s front door, bashed out a window and arrested my drug dealing tenant. Oh yeah, they kinda left a mess behind, too.
And, you know what? I didn’t once cry over any of this. True, Saxon had to take me for a couple of long walks and calm me down, but I didn’t lose it – not once.
I fixed the motorcycle, the washing machine and the hot water heater. I fixed the roof. I took three truckloads of garbage to the dump from my disappearing tenant and fixed all the crap he broke. (He put the electrical tape over the outlets because he forgot to take his meds and he thought I was spying on him through the outlets in the apartment.) I served an eviction notice to my other tenant and told him not to worry about the wax ring. I hired the septic tank to be fixed. I took my daughter to the orthodontist to get x-rays for braces on her teeth. I got a new door installed and sold that house.
I still need to deal with the siding on my house, my exercise bike, and the window. I am selling the fridge and stove out of the Feebie house (anyone out there want to buy either of those? I’ll make you a good deal.)
You want to know the best thing of all? Tats Too comes out May 15th. (You can pre-order on Amazon.) And I don’t want to guilt anybody into buying my newest book, but my daughter needs those braces really bad.
So, if you all run out and buy a copy (maybe a second copy for your friend while you’re at it) I promise to not only fix my daughter’s teeth, but I’ll post pictures of some really cute kitty cats on my Facebook wall. In the meantime, if you need to get hold of me – I’ll be on the extension ladder forty feet in the air tacking the siding back onto the house.