Yesterday, Saxon and I were talking on the phone while she was at work. Here is the conversation, verbatim, no matter what Saxon tells you:
Layce: So then Deepak said Dharma was when you followed your special talent. Dharma is –
Saxon: — Is this the same Dharma that was married to Greg?
Layce: Shut up and listen. So Dharma is when — Oh my God!
Saxon: What? What? Are you okay? What happened?
Layce: It was a mouse! A mouse just ran across the living room floor.
Saxon: Where is he now?
Layce: I don’t know. He left. I’m going to put down a mouse trap. Do you know if we have any mouse traps?
Saxon: I don’t know. Look in the junk drawer.
Layce: This is the fourth time in two days I’ve seen a mouse.
Saxon: The same mouse?
Layce: How the hell would I know if it’s the same mouse?
Saxon: Did it look like the same mouse?
Layce: Little? Brown? Yeah, it could be the same mouse. Though I doubt if I’d be able to pick it out of a mouse line up. Aha! I found a mouse trap.
Saxon: Don’t set it yet. We need more information. Are you in front of your computer?
Layce: No, I just sat my ass on the couch.
Saxon: Can you move your ass to the computer?
Layce: Can you ask nicely?
Saxon: Okay, can you move your luscious ass to the computer?
Layce: That’s more like it. Okay, I’m at the computer. What do you want me to do?
Saxon: I want you to google mouse habits. The mating and birthing cycles of mice. How many babies do they have in a litter? Do they prefer peanut butter to cheese? What’s a good natural home remedy for mouse removal? How do you tag mice?
Layce: You have to be fucking kidding me.
Saxon: This is all stuff we need to know to rid our home of vermin.
Layce: How about I just set this mouse trap instead?
Saxon: I’d rather do the bucket trick. I don’t like killing things. I read where you can put peanut butter in the bottom of a bucket and the mouse will get into the bucket to eat the peanut butter and then it can’t get back out. Then you take it far out into the country and dump it.
Layce: I think you read that in a Garrison Keillor short story.
Saxon: That doesn’t mean it won’t work.
Layce: How did the mouse get in the bucket?
Layce: If it can’t crawl out of the bucket, how did it crawl into the bucket in the first place?
Saxon: Hmmm… I don’t know.
Layce: Maybe you could build little mouse stairs for it to get into the bucket.
Saxon: Brilliant! Now you’re thinking. Once the mouse is trapped inside the bucket we could tag it. Paint its tail red or something. That way I can tell if it’s the same mouse you keep seeing or if it’s an infestation of mice.
Layce: Tagging is so boring. Maybe I could make it little mouse costumes. Like dress it in a little red vest and bow tie. Or dress it up as Marilyn Monroe. Then we could really tell the difference. Though, I don’t know how we tell whether it’s a boy mouse or a girl mouse. That could be a little embarrassing to dress a boy mouse in a dress. It might emasculate him. (giggles) It might e-mouse-culate him. (giggles again)
Saxon: Are you making fun of me?
Layce: No, not at all.
Saxon: Yes, you are.
Layce: I’m going to just set the mouse trap. You can put out a bucket if you want.
Saxon: There’s got to be another way to kill a mouse. A not-so-bloody way.
Layce: There is one other way.
Layce: Did you know that mice can’t fart or belch?
Saxon: I don’t believe Garrison Keillor ever mentioned that.
Layce: If you set out little bowls of Coke or Dr. Pepper, they’ll drink it all up. And since they can’t belch or fart, they’ll explode.
Saxon: Do you think that’s a kinder, gentler way to kill a mouse?
Layce: I don’t know about that, but it sounds like more fun. And after we kill one mouse, we can nail his dead body to the wall right at mouse eye-level, you know, as a warning to other mice.
Saxon: Now you really are making fun of me.
Layce: (deadpanning) No, I’m really not.
Saxon: I have another idea.
Layce: (sighing) Okay, let’s hear it.
Saxon: Let’s have a race. I’ll put out buckets with peanut butter in the bottom. You put out mouse traps and we’ll see who catches the most mice.
Layce: What does the winner get?
Saxon: The winner gets (censored for adult language and graphic sexual situations)
Layce: You’re on. I’m also going to blog about this conversation.
Saxon: Don’t you dare!
Layce: Why not?
Saxon: Because people will think our house is vermin ridden. They’ll think we live like pigs and have rats and that we’re gross and stuff.
Layce: They’ll think we live in Grey Gardens? Don’t be ridiculous.
Saxon: Okay, you can write a blog about it but within limits.
Layce: What kind of limits?
Saxon: You can say ‘mouse’ but not ‘mice.’ And don’t use the words ‘rodent’, ‘vermin’ or ‘infestation’.
Layce: Can I use my emouseculate joke?
Layce: Oh my God!
Saxon: What? What? Are you okay?
Layce: I just caught the mouse. Ewwww, he’s a goner. (giggles) The score is 1 to nothing, girlfriend, you better be taking some vitamins, ’cause you’re going to be my little sex slave.