Making lesbians happy – one book at a time

Gnome Sweet Gnome

There’s something weird going on at my house. And not the normal weird either. This is a different weird. It began last year when the garden gnomes were stolen out of our front yard. It happened around Halloween so I assumed it was pranksters. This was made doubly bad by the fact that our yard was a halfway house of sorts for gnomes with special needs. Some gnomes were missing legs. Some were missing arms. Others were missing pants. I hope whoever took them didn’t make them suffer.

Saxon has never quite gotten over the incident. She says she feels violated. For a year now she has harped about getting more gnomes. Gnomes with all their body parts. I have refused because… well, because I think there’s a part of me still hoping our old gnomes find their way back home.

A week ago I was at the mall when something bright blue and shiny caught my eye. It was an INDOOR gnome! It was brightly glazed and beautiful to behold. It was meant for indoor decoration only. I thought, “problem solved.” It had a hefty price tag of $25. I reasoned that was little to pay for the peace of mind that came with having a gnome but not having the fear of it being gnome-napped.

Well, here comes the weird part of the story. The cashier (a lady I really like from past experiences in the store because she always tells me I look like Sean Young. I don’t. But it makes me feel pretty anyway.) told me this gnome was ‘special.’

“Really? It has all its limbs.”

“This gnome comes alive.”

“Really?” I said again. (Now her Sean Young compliment is beginning to look more like a crazy person’s ranting.)

“Really,” she said mysteriously.

Remember that part in the movie Gremlins where the father buys the gremlin in the musty, mysterious Chinese store? This was just like that except without the musty, Chinese part.

I gave the blue gnome to Saxon that night and she fell in love with it. She named him Veldt. Veldt got his own special seat on her desk.

Where he stayed until two days ago.

Then he came alive.

How do I know he’s alive? Every day I find him in a different location. And if this weren’t scary enough, I think Veldt may be a spy like Jennifer Garner in Alias but without the wigs and killer abs. He’s a Navy Seal Rambo-esque warrior type gnome.

Don’t believe me? I have photo documentation.

Veldt sleeping on my side of the bed

005

Veldt taking a shower

(pretty damn scary when you’re naked and open the door)

007

Veldt hiding

009

Veldt “Master of Camouflage”

012

Inconspicuous Veldt

014

Rambo Veldt

017

Where’s Veldt?

018

This is all I’ve been able to capture for now.  If you don’t hear from me within the next 24 hours… Veldt did it.

Comments on: "Gnome Sweet Gnome" (8)

  1. Awesome! Hide your panties!

  2. He seems to be changing color too.
    Please be careful… Gnomes are usually very loyal but I would very much miss your blogs and your books!
    Oh and p.s. Love your succulents ; )

  3. “gnome -napped” My new favorite word…..although it won’t come into play often. I look forward to regular updates and photos.

  4. At Christmas time my grand children and my daughter (who has managed to retain her child like wonder ) have an elf on a shelf named “Timmy”. Each morning they must search to find him. Do you think he might be related to Veldt ? If so, don’t worry they come from a very kind gnome/ elf family.

  5. Are you sure Veldt’s name isn’t Vodka?

  6. I think I saw Veldt hiding in my garden yesterday!!

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