Making lesbians happy – one book at a time

Big Titty Mama

I was poring through some old files the other day and found my Oscar speech. I wrote it when I seventeen years old. I guess I wanted to be prepared. I didn’t want to be caught unawares – with my pants down – when I was handed the Oscar.

I also have a Johnny Carson story ready. I know Johnny isn’t around anymore, but it wasn’t so long ago that I daydreamed about being a guest on his show and what I would talk about. So I had my Johnny Carson story pre-written.

It went something like this: True story. I used to work as the secretary/hostess/accountant/receptionist at Marino Ristorante in Hollywood. Marino’s was only a couple of blocks from Paramount Studios. This meant Marino’s was always filled to the gills with movie stars. Stars that I spoke with on a daily basis. I got to rub elbows with old movie stars and new movie stars and all those in between. I knew Whoopie Goldberg wanted extra garlic bread with her order and Jodie Foster couldn’t add and Lauren Bacall cussed like a sailor.

One Saturday morning before the lunch crowd came in, I was sitting in the office talking on the restaurant’s phone with my best friend, Brenda. Brenda worked at a dentist’s office in the Valley. Brenda was, how shall I put this, extremely well-endowed. We had been friend for years and I jokingly called her “Big Titty Mama.” It was a term of endearment. Anyway, we were chatting on the phone when suddenly, Brenda said, “Oh no, I gotta go, my boss is here. I’ll call you back in a few minutes.”

I hung up and went back to my work. About fifteen minutes passed and the phone rang. I answered, “Marino Ristorante, how may I help you?”
A gravelly voice said, “Hello. This is Brenda.”
I interrupted by saying, “Hiya, Big Titty Mama.”
There was a long pause. Then the voice said, “Did you just call me Big Titty Mama?”
“Duh,” I said. “You have the biggest tits in the known universe.”
“I believe that’s the nicest thing anybody has said to me in years,” the voice said.
That was when I knew something was wrong. “Who is this?” I asked.
“Brenda. Brenda Vaccaro.”
“Oh My God, Miss Vaccaro. I’m so sorry! I thought you were my friend, Brenda. I didn’t mean to –”
“Don’t apologize!” Miss Vaccaro said. “You made my day!”
She made reservations for that evening for a party of three and hung up, still chuckling.

A few minutes passed and the phone rang again.
“Marino Ristorante, how may I help you?”
“Hi, this is Sally Struthers. Did you really call Brenda a Big Titty Mama?”
“Yes, Miss Struthers, I really did.”
“Damn. I owe her twenty bucks.”

Ten minutes passed and the phone rang again.
“Marino Ristorante, how may I help you?”
“Aren’t you going to call me Big Titty Mama?”
“Who is this?”
“George Hamilton. Did you really call Brenda Vacarro –”
“Big Titty Mama, yes, I did.”
“Damn. I just lost twenty bucks.”

That afternoon, I fielded three more calls from Carol Kane, Melanie Mayron and Jon Voight. The way I figured it, Brenda Vaccaro had won at least one hundred dollars off my faux pas.

The next Monday I came in to work and found an envelope addressed to me sitting on my desk. Inside were five twenty dollar bills and a handwritten note: “Thanks! You made my year! Love, Brenda V. aka Big Titty Mama.”

brenda

And that is my Johnny Carson story. Next time maybe I’ll tell you my Ellen story.

This is Brenda Vaccaro and I highly recommend “Veronica’s Tale

heels back

Comments on: "Big Titty Mama" (10)

  1. I can’t believe there isn’t 100 comments here already guffawing as loud as I did while reading this very funny, simply wonderful tale. Finally, I’m the first at something! Great schtick Layce. Johnny woulda loved it!!

  2. ROFLMAO!! That is priceless!

  3. Dillon Watson said:

    What a great story! Glad I wasn’t drinking anything. Bit I tend not to do that when I read your stuff.

  4. Hilarious! Only you… 🙂

  5. God how you make me laugh. A good story too. Thanks. Already read V’s Tail. I like.

  6. Lynne Buckley said:

    Hilarious. I loved the story 🙂

  7. Awesome! I, too, am glad I wasn’t drinking anything! This is laugh out loud funny!

  8. I always love your stories… Thanks and Happy New Year ; )

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