My name is Layce Gardner and I’m an addict. I kicked the evils of alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes years ago, but have fallen victim to my latest addiction – Candy Crush. I knew the moment I downloaded the game to my kindle that I was going to have a problem. It was so fun! So addictive! If I could just complete one more level!
Saxon asked me what I was doing.
“Playing Candy Crush,” I answered.
“Candy Crust?” she said.
“Crush,” I said testily. “Crush.”
I tried to quit playing after the first hour, but was bombarded with enablers everywhere I looked. People on Facebook sent me messages to join them and a friend of mine kept calling herself the Jesus of Candy Crush and daring me to compete with her. I simply couldn’t stand strong in the face of all these evil Candy pushers. I was only human after all.
“Candy Crash?” Saxon asked.
“Crush, crush, crush” I said between gritted teeth.
After only one day, things around my house began to slip and show signs of neglect. My daughter was late to school and only got a Pop Tart for breakfast. I didn’t have time to line dry the laundry anymore. I stuffed the wet clothes in the dryer and called it good. The dog threw up in the corner and I pretended I didn’t see it. I made my daughter walk home from school. All of this just so I could spend five hours completing level 30.
“Candy Crisp?”Saxon asked.
I didn’t give her the satisfaction of an answer.
“Candy Crest? Candy Cat? Candy Crap?”she taunted.
I bit my lip to keep from screaming. Or killing her.
The worst part came that night. My family was asleep, but I was still up and gaming. My kindle wouldn’t load the next level. The words ‘internal error’ flashed across the screen. I ran to my computer to order a new kindle. This one was obviously faulty. I had to spend $200 on a new kindle and get it by next day shipping or how was I going to live?!
Saxon continued her jabs. “Candy Cantina? Candy Doodle Dandy?”
“Shut yer piehole and I mean it,” I growled.
I was sobbing and ripping at my hair. I blindly Googled and lo and behold! I found out that fucking around with the date and time of my Kindle in order to get more free lives was what caused the internal error. To fix it I simply had to set the date and time back to where it really belonged.
“Candy Crunch? Candy Cruise? Candy Cunt?”
That was the last straw. I exploded. “Candy Crush, you idiot!”
The next morning found me bleary-eyed and cranky from gaming all night. I was a mess. Chapped lips, greasy hair, sore thumbs… I was wearing an old towel that I had fashioned into an adult diaper so I wouldn’t waste valuable time in the bathroom.
Saxon scurried from the room, dodging the verbal epitaphs I slung at her like a
gorillas slings its feces. I could hear her maniacal laughter from the other room.
Saxon eyed me up and down and immediately invoked an intervention. She took away my Kindle and deleted Candy Crush. DELETED IT! I cried. I sobbed. I begged. I bargained. I cried some more. But to no avail. I offered her sex in exchange for just ten minutes of play. (I almost got her on that one, but she declined.)
Saxon continued to taunt me under her breath. “Candy Crude. Candy Crud. Candy Crepe. Candy Cane.”
“I can’t take it anymore!” I yelled. I collapsed to the floor in a heap and sobbed.
That was my bottom. Since then I’ve been taking it one day at a time. I don’t know that I’ll be able to hold off the demons of Candy Crush forever…
Over three months on the Amazon Bestseller List!