My name is Hazel. I am a human bean. I am also a lezbean.
I have a daughter named Lulu. She is also a human bean.
When Lulu was five she asked me, “Mom, how did I get to be a human bean? Did I grow in your tummy?”
“No,” I said.
“Did a stork bring me?”
“Did Santa Claus bring me?”
“No,” I answered.
“Then how did I grow?”
“Well… it’s a long story. Are you sure you want to hear it?”
“A long, long time ago before you were a human bean, I lived in a magical city. It was called The City of Angels.
And in this city there was a dream factory. I worked at the factory putting dreams on celluloid so everybody in the world could see them.
I lived in the city with Tini. Tini Bean wasn’t her real name. She loved martinis more than anything, that’s why I call her Tini. She also loved a lot of other women, but I didn’t know that then.
Tini wanted us to have a baby together. So I got a catalog of daddies and looked through it. I wanted to pick out the perfect daddy for my baby.
I finally found a good one. We had a lot in common. We both loved donuts.
So one day I went to pick daddy up from the bank. He was much shorter than I imagined.
I took him out for lunch.
Then I buckled him into the passenger seat of my car and drove home. There was a lot of traffic so I used the car pool lane. The police man didn’t think daddy was a real person so I got a ticket for abusing the car pool lane.
That night I took daddy out of the can. He was so little. And so cold.
That was the end of daddy.”
“Does that mean you adopted me?” Lulu asked.
“Nope. I found you in a beanfield. Then me and Grandma Bean drove you all the way cross country to live in the City of Angels.”
Stay tuned for the next installment of The LezBeans, Episode 2, “No Dumping.” Written and illustrated by Layce Gardner.
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