My mother is one of the smartest women I know. My whole life I have looked up to her. She’s beautiful, creative, talented, and smart. But… sometimes I have to wonder what the hell she’s thinking. Last night was one of those times.
I get a phone call. I look at the number on the ID and it’s my mom. Here’s how the conversation went –
Me: Hi, Mom. What’s up?
Mom: Help! You have to help me!
Me: (Panicked) What’s wrong?
Mom: My kindle is screwy! I’m going to throw this damn thing in the trash!
Me: (Relieved nobody’s dying or hurt) Define screwy.
Mom: I’m trying to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix and my Kindle won’t play. I’m so mad I could spit.
Me: What’s it doing?
Mom: Nothing! That’s why I’m calling you! It’s doing nothing.
Me: First… calm down. Breathe. Don’t throw it away. Let’s start at the beginning.
(I walk her through some steps to narrow down what is wrong with her Kindle. After a lot of cussing on her part I figure out that it is indeed functioning properly except for the Netflix app. This takes a good twenty minutes.)
Me: Okay, here’s my diagnosis… I think you may have set up some parental controls and you can’t watch any adult videos.
(Mom doesn’t say a word.)
Me: Does that sound familiar to you? Parental controls? Through your Free Time app?
Mom: (Tiny voice) Maybe.
Me: Did you or did you not set up parental controls?
Mom: I maybe could have.
Me: Seriously, Mom? Why would you do that? You don’t have small children in the house.
Mom: I didn’t mean to. The Kindle made me do it.
Me: (Sighing heavily) Open up your Kindle Free Time app and tell me what it says.
Mom: I can’t. Margo won’t let me.
Me: Who’s Margo?
Mom: She’s the profile on the Free Time app.
Me: Let me see if I understand. You went into your Kindle Free Time app and set up a fake profile for a child that you don’t have which you named Margo and now you are mad because the Kindle won’t let Margo watch Breaking Bad?
Me: I don’t know if I can help you.
Me: Who is this Margo person? Is she the daughter you always wanted? I wasn’t good enough for you so you have to create a fictional daughter? And you actually named her Margo?
Mom: The Kindle asked me for a name. So I made one up. It’s the Kindle’s fault. I didn’t know it was going to bring Margo to life and not let her watch my programs!
Me: Uh huh, I see. Well, I have to go now. I have to make supper for my real family. Bye bye.
(I hang up. Thirty seconds go by. My phone rings. I pick it up.)
Me: Hello, Margo speaking.
Mom: Margo, it’s your mother. Would you like to watch Breaking Bad on my Kindle?
Me: Sure, Mom.
Mom: Okay, but you’re going to have to delete the parental controls on it first.
Me: Not a problem. Go the pull-down menu on the top. Click on Settings…
Making the world a happier place—one book at a time
The perfect Laugh Out Loud summertime read!
WARNING: This book contains comic situations, lesbian sex and comic lesbian sex.