Making lesbians happy – one book at a time

Camp Letters

Remember when you were a kid and went to summer camp? You wrote a letter home to your parents and sometimes you even beat the letter home?

With the invention of email, things have changed. Now it is the parents who write the letters. Emma went away to camp last week and Saxon and I wrote her an email everyday.

Here, for your amusement, are the emails we sent to Emma:

Monday

Hey kiddo!

Did you have fun on your first day even though it was boiling hot outside? Guess what we’re doing today? Going to the doctor in the big city. Saxon has to be there and so we’re staying all night in a hotel because the Federal peeps are paying for it. Papa is coming over to take care of Bear. I’m looking forward to going except not the driving part.

I hope you’re making all kinds of new friends!

Drink lots of water, please.

I love you!

Mom

 

Emma,

We’re going to the doctor today and a squirrel ate one of my tomatoes.

Love,

Saxon

P.S. I’m not happy about it.

P.S.S. About the doctor, I mean.

P.S.S.S. About the squirrel either.

 

Tuesday

 

Hey girl!

I don’t want you to be jelly but we ate at The Waffle House last night. I had a soggy BLT and hash browns. Saxon had a plate of hash browns with the works. What are the works you ask?  Well… on top of the hash browns was ham, cheese, peppers, salsa, ketchup, chili and cream gravy – all mixed together.  I will wait while you go throw up. I actually think Saxon ordered it by mistake but was too proud to admit it so she ate it. When we got up to go after eating we found out that the clean out for the sewer pipe was right under our table and was belching nasty toilet water. This image should last you all day. I love you, Kiddo, make me proud.

Xoxox,

Mom

 

Dear Emma,

I’ve lost another gardening tool. This time it is the weed thingy. Bucket, aka Bear, said she misses you and wants to know if you could send a long distance belly rub. I have renamed my room upstairs the Saxoport which is why I disappear up there. I am traveling the super highways of the universe. I hope you are having fun. If not, make sure to fill out a comment card.

Love,

Saxon

P.S. “Bucket” is Bear’s camp nickname.

 

Wednesday

Emma,

Do you have your camp nickname yet? Last year’s nickname, Attentive-Ground-Squirrel, needs to be retired. How about this one: Girl-Who-Swims-Like-Dolphin?  Or, Mermaid-Who-Has-Two-Feet? Do these help any?

Saxon keeps calling Bear “Bucket” and it’s driving me slowly insane. She won’t stop.

I’m back to the usual today. Which means I should write and clean house, but I don’t really want to do either. So I think I’ll just pretend to write and clean house. Maybe something will accidentally get done.

Oh yeah, I made brownies last night. They were yumalicious. Sorry you didn’t get any. Hehehehe. Can you tell I’m not really sorry?

I love you,

Mom-Who-Thinks-It’s-Too-Hot To-Go-Outside

 

Dear Emma,

I still have not found the gardening tool. I am afraid that a rogue contingent of gnomes have taken it to fulfill their evil plan of world garden domination. I have my suspicions that our gnomes were actually kidnapped by this evil gnome group. Our poor sweet gnomes then suffered Stockholm Syndrome and joined the group – leading them straight back here to steal the above mentioned tool.

I will keep you informed of future developments.

I hope camp is treating you well and that no gnomes are present among your fellow campers.

Love,

Saxon

 

Thursday

Emster,

I can’t believe it’s Thursday already! I miss you like crazy! Can you believe it’s almost your birthday? You’re almost fifteen!

So, the newest news is that Bear had another seizure. I woke up at five a.m. hearing her whimper. She was trapped in your room. You know how she goes in your room first thing after a seizure and wakes you up. But you weren’t there. And the door must’ve closed behind her and since she has no thumbs she couldn’t open the door. She was trapped. She made a mess of your room. She knocked stuff over and your full-length mirror fell and shattered. I got everything cleaned up okay, don’t worry, and I’ll go buy you another mirror today. So, does that mean that Bear is going to have seven years of bad luck? Or does that rule apply to dogs?

I had a weird dream last night that eight hippies broke into our house and started upcycling all our things. They ripped up our clothes and garbage bags and made necklaces and bracelets. I called the local police but they didn’t believe me. Finally, after repeatedly calling, the S.W.A.T. team showed up, but it was an Australian S.W.A.T. team. They had boomerangs and pictures of kangaroos on their shirts. I woke up before they did anything to stop the hippies, so I’ll never know for sure how an Australian S.W.A.T. team works.

I love you to the moon and back!

Mom

 

Dear Emma,

The tool is still missing. I’ve interrogated our remaining outside gnome. He claims to not have seen or heard anything. I’m not certain of his sincerity- once a gnome always a gnome. I’m keeping an eye on our inside gnomes Vern, Vonn and Velda. Just because they live inside does not mean they weren’t involved.

Bucket cut her nose on the fence. There is a puppy at our neighbor’s house on the left (or right, depending on where you’re standing.)Bucket whines at her. I think she wants to play. She misses you and says hi. I told her you’d be back tomorrow. She is glad. Or at least her tail is. I wish I had a tail.

Love,

Saxon

 

Friday

 

Emma!

I get to see you today! I can’t wait, I miss you so much!

You missed all the excitement last night. It happened again. I let Bear outside to do her business and she comes back in with a possum in her mouth. Saxon screamed and jumped up in a chair then leaped to the kitchen counter. Bear kept trying to give Saxon her ‘gift’ and Saxon kept screaming like a little sissy baby. To be fair, I did my own share of screaming, too. Plus, I riverdanced across the kitchen because I’m not nimble enough to leap on counters. I grabbed a broom and acted like a knight trying to protect my kingdom or something, I dunno, I looked really stupid I’m sure. Bear dropped the possum and it ran off and I couldn’t find it anywhere. Then I had to check the house, armed with a flashlight and a broom, before Saxon would come down off the counter. I couldn’t find the possum, but who knows? It might be waiting for you under your bed.

See? We need you back home because you’re the only brave person in our family.

I love you!

Mom

 

Dear Emma,

I can’t wait to see you! We have missed you so much. Last night, Bucket brought in a possum. I stood on top of the kitchen island. I am not proud.

Love,

Saxon

P.S. I found the tool.


 

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Comments on: "Camp Letters" (8)

  1. LMAO. You two are hilarious. I hope Emma appreciated your e-mails.

  2. I would have loved getting those while at camp. Gnomes are sneaky buggers I would have to agree. Emma is lucky to have the two of you as parents, you both are a hoot 🙂

  3. This was great. Love the humorous story telling aspects! Thanks for posting.

  4. canuckeh said:

    Ha! Lucky Emma.

  5. So what did Emma say about the emails?
    Did she find the possum?
    I don’t like gnomes.

    I always look forward to your blogs and newsletters.

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