I was watching a movie with Saxon and Emma when my phone rang. I paused the movie and answered, “Hello?”
“Hello, Ms. Gardner,” a man’s voice on the other end said. “I’m calling from your bank. I noticed you haven’t made your mortgage payment and it’s a week overdue. I’m calling to give you the chance to pay now. We will even accept your credit card if you prefer. Or you can authorize us to debit your bank account directly.”
I covered the phone, looked over at Emma, and whispered, “Pay attention to what I’m about to say.” I then shouted into the phone: “Listen here you son-of-a-bitch! I already paid my mortgage and if you were really from my bank you would know that! You think you can just call me up and frighten me into paying for something I already paid for? You think I would really give you my credit card number? I’m not falling for that old scam. You are such a pitiful loser! Is this the only job you could get, calling up respectful Americans and trying to get them to give you their bank account number? I’m not stupid! You’re the one who’s stupid!”
“But, Ms. Gardner, please listen…”
“No, you listen to me you stupid, fucking moron! You really dialed the wrong number this time. I’m going to report you to the police. I hope your scam backfires and you end up in prison and you get buttfucked by a huge hairy man and you can’t walk for four days! How about that, huh?”
The caller hung up.
I turned to Emma. “See? That’s how you handle a phone scam.”
“Good job, Mama,” Emma said.
“Damn, that was sweet,” Saxon said.
I turned the movie back on, feeling plenty full of myself.
Ten minutes later, something began to bother me. There was a little niggle at the back of my brain. So, I got up, went to my office, and looked at my checkbook.
I went back to the movie. I kept my mouth shut. No way was I going to admit what I had just done to that poor man who called.
Emma looked over at me and smiled knowingly. “You really did forget to pay the mortgage, didn’t you?”
Funny, funny, funny!