There’s not a lot to do in this small town. Walmart is the epicenter of our social hub. When I’m lonely, I go to Walmart. When I’m bored, I go to Walmart. When I want gossip, I go to Walmart. When I need groceries, I go to Walmart. You get the idea. I go to Walmart a lot.
Every time I go to Walmart, I see somebody I know. This is both good and bad. Good because you get to catch up on neighbor’s and friend’s lives without actually having them come over to your house. That would mean cleaning my house, and I hate cleaning my house. Bad because people you know are going to see your bad hair day or the slippers you accidentally left the house wearing.
So, Saxon and I were at Walmart yesterday. Mission: Groceries. Saxon was pushing the cart down the aisle when I spotted our daughter, Emma. She was with her boyfriend, Maddox.
I quickly dropped to all fours and dragged Saxon down to the floor with me.
“What’re you doing?” Saxon asked.
“I see Emma and Maddox over there. They didn’t see us,” I said.
“Let’s play a joke on them,” I said. “For fun.”
“What will we do?” Saxon asked.
I crawled over to a gigantic Halloween bin of fake heads. These fake heads were huge and furry. There were dinosaur heads, kitty heads, racoon heads, every type of head imaginable. I handed Saxon a T-Rex head, saying, “Put this on.”
She put it on. She looked like the tiniest T-Rex ever. She stuck her arms up in her shirt so only her hands were hanging out of her shirt sleeves. Now she had little flipper arms just like a T-Rex. “Good job,” I said. “That’s what I love about you. Your ability to take something and run with it.”
I put on my own huge, furry head.
“Thank you,” she said. “What kind of animal are you?”
“I’m a cat, I think,” I said.
We stood and resumed our positions at the cart. Saxon said, “You have to push the cart.”
“I can’t push. My arms are too short.”
“Geez,” I said, “You really get into character, don’t you?”
“I’m a method actor,” she replied.
I pushed the cart. We walked right by Emma and Maddox. We were only ten feet past them when Emma yelled, “Omigod! That’s my parents!”
I laughed. Saxon giggled and flapped her flippers. Next thing I knew, Emma and Maddox were putting on big, furry heads and we’re all taking pictures.
Emma and I had a little argument. She told me her head was a sloth and I told her it was a raccoon. I told her that nobody would actually make a sloth head. It was too weird.
She pulled out her phone and googled a picture of a sloth.
Emma was right. It was a sloth head she was wearing. My bad. I guess I underestimated the popularity of sloths.
The moral of this story is: You can have lots of good, clean family fun in a small town. All you have to do is go to Walmart.
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