Making lesbians happy – one book at a time

The Great Chicken Theft

I live in a small town. It’s famous for being the birthplace and final resting place of Mr. Ed, the talking horse. He’s buried on private property so I couldn’t get you a picture of his grave. You’ll just have to trust me on that one.

Mr. Ed

Oooh, Wilbur!

This small town is also the home of the best pizza in these parts. The pizza is served up at Sam and Ella’s. You have to say that name out loud to get the full effect. There used to be a Mexican restaurant next door to it named E. Coli’s.  (You can’t make this stuff up.)

FUN FACT: Carrie Underwood used to be a waitress at Sam and Ella’s before she won American Idol.


Carrie got those thigh muscles from waiting on tables!

Sam and Ella’s calls itself The Chicken Palace. I’m not sure why, other than the fact that they have tons of chicken knickknacks. Everywhere. Chicken tablecloths, chicken booths, chicken napkins, chicken pictures, chicken figurines, chicken lamps, on this farm there was a chicken, here a chicken, there a chicken, everywhere a cluck, cluck. You get the idea.


Saxon and I went there yesterday and ordered the very delicious Rhode Island Red pizza. We sat in a booth that had a framed letter hanging on the wall. Saxon and I laughed our butts off as we read the letter.


Here’s what the letter said in case you can’t read it in the photo:

(several parts were redacted in Whiteout to keep the identity of the writer secret. And I know what redacted means because I watch Rachel Maddow.)

Dear Mr. Mullen,

I am truly sorry for the theft that occurred at your restaurant. I took the chicken as a joke and it got out of hand. I regret what I did. Please do not take this as a representation of REDACTED High School as a whole. I nor my friends weren’t responsible for any other theft that day. I am returning the chicken and am very sorry.



P.S. That was the best pizza I’ve ever had.

I think the writer of this letter has a natural talent to be a lawyer. Notice how she emphasizes that her school had absolutely nothing to do with the theft. She also covers her ass about any other theft that may have happened that day.

On second thought, the writer of this letter is probably a future Republican. She obviously broke the law because of the encouragement of her party and her excuse is that “It got out of hand.” So, she brings the chicken back and expects to be absolved of the crime. (It’s a wonder she didn’t blame Hillary for the theft.)

I almost expected her to gaslight the owner of Sam and Ella’s by telling him that it was his fault she took the chicken. If he hadn’t had so many free-ranging chicken statues sitting around, she wouldn’t have been tempted it in the first place.

Anyway, Saxon and I are just glad that the chicken is back where it belongs and the person who allegedly took the chicken saw the error of her ways and returned it to its rightful owner.

And she is right about one thing: the pizza is the best I’ve ever had!

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Comments on: "The Great Chicken Theft" (7)

  1. So funny! I always enjoy your books and blogs!

  2. Got a chuckle out of this one. Thanks for the morning laughter with my coffee.

  3. Anne Hagan said:

    I love this story! My wife and I live in a tiny town like this. It and crazy things that happen here are the basis for some of my own stories. You’r right; you just can’t make this stuff up!

  4. Joey Marsden said:

    I too live in rural Muraca. Our local place is The Pink, a building in Pepto-Bismol glory in the middle of town. They have all you can eat chicken on Wednesday and all you can eat catfish on Friday, both popular nights. I say that we live in the fried belt. Everything at local cafes is fried. Then we also have a sushi place. From one end of the spectrum to the other with our fish. Oh, BTW, I live on the Mississippi River.
    Great blogs, my friends.

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